Battle Scars
by dark0angel13
Summary: He fights his demons on a daily basis, and he loses to them more often than not. Is he strong enough to hold himself together or will he destroy Lucy right along with himself? Military AU!
1. Chapter 1

_**So who doesn't love a Military AU? I for one, live for them, so I decided to write one. This is going to have it all. Angst, drama, suspense, love, tragedy, you name it. I haven't decided if this story will rip out your still beating hearts but as soon as I know, you will too. I do hope you enjoy it so far!**_

* * *

 _"We're taking fire! Everyone find cover and regroup!"_

 _The words echo around him and Natsu stumbles before sliding behind a dumpster, his hands already working to reload the rifle in his hands. He's shaking, his heart is racing in his chest, and he suddenly feels like he's about to throw up._

 _"Unit two has been taken out, I'm calling for an evac!"_

 _Yeah, like a fucking evac would save the men from unit two, Natsu thinks panicked as he does his best to return fire. The shots hurt his ears and around him he can hear more than see the explosions rocking the city; each one making his heart stop in his chest._

 _"Natsu focus!" The shout startles him from his thoughts and he curses and takes cover again, hating the way the bullets sound as they ricochet off the metal. He knew what he signed up for when he walked into the recruiters, but experiencing it here, first hand, is enough to drive him mad._

 _He's taken off guard when a grenade lands to his left and he's scrambling to get a safe distance before it goes off; praying he can make it. The explosion rocks the surrounding area and he's blown across the street. He doesn't remember much after that, just a ringing in his ears as his vision fades in and out. His body is numb, his mind racing a mile a minute while his heart struggles to keep up._

 _He can't move, he realizes when his partner rushes to drag him out of harms way. Around him people are running and shooting, friendlies and enemies alike; each side doing their best to eliminate the other._

 _"Stay with me Dragneel, you're gonna be fine." The voice is muffled and he barely hears it while his eyes wander to the dark haired man at his right side. He's wrapping something around his leg but Natsu only feels a slight pressure._

 _"Gray…" his voice doesn't sound familiar._

 _"Don't try to talk man, just relax. The evac is en route we just have to hold out for a few more minutes." Gray turns to unload bullets into the enemy soldiers behind them and Natsu nods, content with letting his best friend do his job._

 _He reaches for his gun but his fingers don't want to move, his body seeming to just lay limp on the ground. His eyes wander now, to Gray, his team, the enemies slowly encroaching. Then he makes the mistake of looking down and his breathing stops all together. There's blood everywhere, and the tourniquet only seems to make his trembling worse._

 _Pain rushes back to him then, and he's screaming and moaning and fighting with everything he has. Pain washes over him in white hot waves and he can feel tears well in his eyes. He doesn't want it to end like this. He still has so much left to live for. His friends, his family. Brilliant amber eyes flash in his mind and he lets out another sob. He can't leave her like this. He refuses to let this be where he breathes his last breath._

 _"Calm down Natsu, I've got you!" Hands grip his vest and shake him from his rising panic and he looks up to Gray._

 _"Don't let me die here Gray—" the rest of his words come out as a strangled cough and he can feel breathing become harder._

 _"I'm not gonna let you die. Lucy's waiting for you and I'll be damned if I let you leave her behind." Natsu smiles at the defiance in his voice but he can see the tears welling in the grey eyes. Around him he can hear gunshots and shouts but he doesn't pay attention to that. He simply focuses on the beautiful face that floods his mind. No, he can't die yet. Not before he proposes to her._

 _"Fuck!" Gray shifts his attention to Natsu's leg and agony races through him like a current. He's screaming again in seconds, fighting with his best friend with everything he has, "Hold still or you're going to lose more blood!"_

 _He can't say anything after that, his throat constricts and he swallows hard. There's more blood, and pain is taking over. He has billions of nerves in his body, and every single one of them is alight with sheer agony._

 _"Over here!"_

 _Natsu doesn't pat attention when Gray leaves his field of vision, he simply breathes and clutches his dog tags to his chest like they're his life line. Everything happens too fast for him to understand. People are hovering over him, shouting and pointing but he doesn't hear them. Something shifts and he screams again, looking over to where he was only seconds ago. The pool of blood makes his throat run dry and he's flailing and shouting before they slam the chopper doors shut._

 _"It's gone!" He can't stop screaming and the last thing he remembers is Gray slamming his fist into the metal with tears in his eyes._

* * *

Natsu shoots up in bed, a scream dying on his lips as his eyes search the room frantically. His room, he thinks as he struggles to get air into his lungs. He's in his room. Beside him, the bed dips and hands grip his face.

"Relax, I'm here with you. It was just a dream. You're safe now." Her voice soothes the raging fear within him and he feels his body relax automatically. He leans into her and holds his head while tears stream down his face. The pain is almost unbearable and a groan escapes him.

"I'll go get your pain meds," She begins to separate herself from him but he turns and wraps his arms around her like he will die if she's not there with him.

"Don't go," He pleads with her and buries his head in the crook of her neck, "please."

"Okay, I'll stay. I'm right here Natsu." She rubs his back while he tries to will his body to stop shaking. They're silent for what seems like forever before he groans again, his hand gripping the blanket to throw it off in haste.  
He knows what he's about to see, expects it even, but it doesn't stop his breath from hitching. It's gone, he thinks to himself while his fingers gently trace the reddened scar. His leg is really gone.

"You're okay Natsu—"

"Do I look like I'm okay?" He cuts her off with a hiss and points violently to his leg, "my leg is fucking gone!"

She winces like he slapped her and his heart clenches in his chest. Why does he have to yell at her? Why does he have to lash out when she's only trying to help him? He doesn't have the answers and he can't stop the anger that surges within him.

"I left to protect this country, to protect our home, and now look at me?" He speaks through sobs and shoves her hand away when she reaches for him. "I can't walk, I can't fight anymore, I'm fucking useless!"

"No you're not—"

"Don't talk like you know me!" He snaps, glaring at her from his spot on the bed because he can't get out on his own and that realization only seems to fuel his rage. The look in her eyes makes him cry harder and the last thing he remembers before unconsciousness claims him, is the tears welling in her beautiful amber eyes.

* * *

 _ **I will be updating this story, along with everything else as soon as I find motivation and/or inspiration so please be patient with me. Leave a review if you are so inclined.**_

 _ **Regards,**_

 _ **dark**_


	2. Chapter 2

Here is the next installment of Battle Scars, thank you for your patience in this because I have entirely too much going in right now and I can barely keep up but here it is none the less. Please enjoy.

* * *

 _Natsu…_

His name is like smoke on the wind, dissipating before he can put a name to the voice as he takes in his surroundings. It's chaos. He can see Gray, face red with fury while he grips Natsu's uniform like his life depended on it. His voice is shrill and Natsu winces at each syllable as it resonates through the air.

Out of his line of sight another voice booms, sending a shiver racing down his spine. He can't focus enough to hear the individual words spoken but the tone of it has his heart skipping into over drive. He knows this voice, could pick it out anywhere, but for the life of him he can't remember a face to go with it. It's female— strong and authoritative— barking commands like its second nature without losing its softness, and he feels at peace when he hears her speak.

 _Natsu…_

His name echos around him again and the scenery changes like a flash of lightning. Gray is gone and he's left staring up into a blindingly white ceiling. He's freezing, and the smell of antiseptic permeates the air. His body feels heavy and his head light as a new face comes into view. Don't worry, the man says with confidence, I've got you now. Natsu can only nod frantically because speaking seems impossible as a mask is placed over his mouth. The smell is atrocious, making him cough before his vision begins to blur.

"Natsu."

His vision snaps into focus and his eyes settle on the woman before him, her look of concern trained on him and it's a moment later that he realizes that he's clutching the chair tight enough to rip the leather.

"What?" His question hangs in the air like he doesn't realize he had mentally checked out of his body and she sighs.

"You were lost in though," she crosses her legs and twirls the pen in between her fingers and for some reason he can't place, Natsu feels exposed. "Did you remember anything?"

"Explain to me again why I'm doing this?" He wills his muscles to relax but it only helps so much.

"Because in cases like yours, when there is severe trauma, remembering how it happened and working through it can help you to cope with the reality of it all." She speaks matter of fact and he has to resist the impulse to roll his eyes. Reality of it… it's almost laughable.

"I remember everything just fine Doc," he snaps, fidgeting with the cuff of his jacket. "If anything I'd rather forget about it."

"Natsu," Lucy speaks for the first time this session and for some reason it grates on his nerves. "There are days where you forget where you are. This is going to help-"

"I don't need you butting in," He turns on her in an instant, fury flashing through his eyes, "you're the one who came along with me. If you don't like how I deal with it, then you can leave."

Lucy winces like he's hit her and looks away, leaving him feeling hollow inside. Why was he so fucking angry?

"Natsu I don't think you mean that." He turns to the shrink and scoffs.

"So what do I mean then?" He crosses his arms.

There's a moment where she thinks and the way she stares right through him is off-putting.

"I think you appreciate her worrying about you, but because you don't yet know how to cope with the loss, your lashing out at the people closest to you in hopes of feeling anything other than the emptiness inside you."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He's defensive but averts his eyes. He knows exactly what she's talking about.

"How many times have you gotten into it with Gray? Or Erza?" She presses, and Natsu tries to sink further into his chair.

"He's gotten into a few fist fights with gray over the past few months, and when he speaks to Erza… it never ends well. That's what got him a court martial." Lucy's voice is soft but to Natsu, it's like explosions going off in his head and his nails dig into his arms. Why does she get on his nerves so damn much? He's supposed to love her right?

"Your file says you were medically discharged about two months ago, how have you been taking it?" The woman changes direction and looks to Natsu expectantly.

"How do you think I'm taking it? It fucking sucks. I was good at what I did, and they kick me out for something stupid like that? After all I did?" He's shouting now, flashes racing through his mind before it goes blank.

"I think you're taking your anger and frustration on the situation, out on Lucy who is only trying to help you. Gray as well."

"Gray is still active duty. He's still overseas, doing the job I was supposed to be doing." He snaps and out of the corner of his eye he can see Lucy flinch.

"Do you remember what we talked about in your first session?" She changes direction again and he raises a brow. "About the five most stressful situations a person can experience?"

"Yeah," He grumbles. "Death, divorce, illness, job loss, and moving I think you said." He's honestly surprised he even remembered that much.

"Good," she smiles, "Do you remember what I said after that?"

"No." His answer is quick.

"Humans are creatures of habit, of routine. We live our lives day by day, content with the commonality of doing the same things over and over. It gives us a sense of control over our lives. When that routine is interrupted or changed altogether, we behave differently. We lash out at those closest to us, or even withdraw from society completely. In some rare cases, it's a combination of both."

It's all coming back to him now, as he sits there listening to her ramble on.

"It's not uncommon to feel guilty for the events that happened to you under that extreme stress. It's normal to feel angry or upset at the situation. It's not okay, to unleash that frustration and guilt onto your loved ones. That's why you were told to continue therapy Natsu. we're doing this in hopes to get to the root of your anger and guilt so you can return to a normal life."

"Return to a normal life?" He laughs, "I lost my leg! I can never return to a normal life."

"My mistake," she corrects herself, "I meant to say return to as normal as one can get in your situation."

"You wanna know why I feel so angry? So guilty?" He leans in and grips the knot in his pants where it's tied off. "Because I should be over there helping Gray. I should be fighting for my country, not rotting away at home. I should be chasing down terrorists in Afghanistan, not going to fucking therapy. I'm a soldier!"

"You're not a soldier anymore Natsu," Her words are matter of fact. "You need to realize this and come to terms with it or you're never going to be able to move on."

"Fuck this," he stands and grabs his crutches, "I don't need to sit here and listen to this bullshit."

"Natsu wait-" Lucy stands hurried.

"Have you been using the prosthetic?" It's a question that stops him in his tracks and his grip on the crutches tightens until his knuckles turn white.

"He hasn't gotten fitted for it yet…" Lucy has his blood boiling. How dare she butt into his business like that. He wants to yell, he wants to scream at anyone and everyone, but her warm hand on his back has a calm washing over him in waves and he takes a deep breath.

"I recommend you do that sooner rather than later Natsu."

"What's the point? It's not like I can go back into the army. What is there to my life now?"

"Soldiers have returned to the service with prosthetics before Natsu, it's not unheard of."

"You have me," he feels Lucy lean against his back and it takes all his strength to stay upright. "We have our life together remember? We're getting married…" she leaves the sentence open and he feels his heart clench. It's like she's giving him an out and he hates himself for pushing her to this point.

"Yeah," He reaches for the hand on his shoulder, "we're getting married. I promise that if nothing else."

"I'd like you to work on expressing your feelings more this week. Try talking about your last tour with Lucy, and please get fitted for the prosthetic. It will help make walking easier. I'll see you next Thursday." She smiles and stands, holding her hand out for him to shake and part of him is still angry, but another part, somewhere deep down inside him, he feels a little better.

"Thanks Doc."

"Also, please call me if you have any more night terrors."

"Will do." He nods.

* * *

"How does that feel?"

"It feels fine I guess." Natsu isn't really sure what he's supposed to say to a question like that.

"Trust me Natsu, when you're walking on it all day, you're going to care how it feels now. The fitting is the most important part," the tech trails his fingers over where the prosthetic meets his leg and Natsu swallows hard. It's still sensitive to the touch. "I need to know if you feel any pinching or discomfort with this on. If need be we can adjust it.

"There's no pinching," he looks down and instantly regrets it. The sight of his missing leg paralyzed him every time and he feels his heart skip into overdrive. "It's cold though. And I feel it poking me on the inside."

"I can fix that," the tech smiles and removes it to smooth out the interior seam before placing it back on. "Better now?"

"Much."

* * *

 **A FEW WEEKS LATER…**

"I said I can do it!"

There's a loud crash as Lucy collided with the wall, a gasp of shock echoing in the room before Natsu's anger dissipates and he realizes what he's done. There's a moment of awkward silence while she looks to him with shimmering eyes before her composure solidifies and he's left winded by the lifelessness coming from her.

"Lucy I'm-"

"Save it," she snaps, pulling herself upright before shoving his prosthetic at him. "You want to do it alone, be my guest." She's gone before he can respond and he's left staring after her dumbfounded.

 _Way to go, moron._ He's always fucking things up. It's why Gray no longer speaks to him, it's why Erza refuses to be in the same room with him unless there is alcohol. It's why his relationship is so strained he's afraid another incident will send Lucy packing. And it's all his fault.

"God dammit!" His fist hits with enough force to dent the drywall, but he feels no pain. He doesn't feel anything anymore; hasn't for a while now. Everything is a struggle. Getting up is a struggle, getting dressed is a struggle. _Being alive_ is a fucking struggle, and every day he has to fight back the urge to just end it all.

He hears the front door slam and as the sound reverberates throughout the small apartment, he winces. When had it gotten this bad? The question hangs in the back of his mind but for the life of him, the answer remains a mystery.

He looks down, his fist clenching. It's all his fault. If he hadn't lost his leg, if he had never enlisted in the first place, he wouldn't be in this mess.

"You're a failure," he chides himself. "You've always been a failure and you always will be. Every time you have something good going, you have to fuck it up. Typical Natsu Dragneel."

His phone buzzes on the nightstand beside him and his heart skips a beat. Was it Lucy? His face deflates when he recognizes the number. No, it's not Lucy.

"Yeah," He goes by way of answering. No sense in keeping up formalities. "Dragneel."

"You missed physical therapy this morning." It's not a question.

"I forgot about it."

"Bullshit Natsu," the anger in the voice makes him wince. "You missed last week too."

"I had a therapy session last week." Which he didn't go to either. Not like it was helping anyway. An aggravated sigh meets his ears.

"Where are you now?"

"Where do you think I am?" He retorts.

"I swear to God-" she cuts off and he can hear her cursing to no one in particular before her voice comes back into focus. "I'll be there in five minutes. You better be dressed." The line goes dead before he can think of an excuse to deny her.

"Fuck," now he has to get dressed.

He's struggling with his prosthetic when he hears the door open and he mentally prepares himself for the shit storm he's about to endure. She's shouting before she even walks into the room.

"This place is a mess!" Of course she goes for that first, "when's the last time the dishes got washed?" He hears her puttering around and the clinking of glass echoes.

When was the last time the dishes got washed? He can't remember. He hobbles out a few minutes later to find her elbows deep in the sink and he sighs.

"You don't have to do my dishes Mira," part of him feels guilty, but the other part is grateful. Lucy was usually the one who cleaned but since his return she's been pulling extra shifts to help keep up with the bills. Money was a rare commodity of late.

"If I don't do them who will?" She turns on him, "you make Lucy do everything around here on top of her working her ass off to keep the bills paid. You could show a little more appreciation ya know." She really wasn't pulling any punches this time.

"What can I do?" He asks heated, lifting his pant leg, "I only have one leg!"

"That's no longer an excuse and you know it!" She's in his face in seconds, her hand wiping across his cheek before he can even react.

"I work at the VA Hospital Natsu, I've seen cases much worse off than you. You still have one good leg. I've worked with vets who don't even have that!"

"I'm not like them!"

"You're God damn right you're not," she counters. "They still treat their loved ones with human decency. They don't take their anger out on them! They came back from their trauma stronger. They didn't let it swallow them whole."

He has nothing to respond with because she's right. He really is a piece of shit. The past few months have been nothing but him yelling at Lucy, at Grey. At everyone around him because he only feels pity for himself. _Poor Natsu Dragneel, he lost his leg overseas._

"It's not easy…"

"News flash," her eyes harden. "Life isn't easy. What happened to you was tragic yes, but you have a chance to continue on and live your life, I know a lot of soldiers who never got that chance."

His shoulders sink and he sighs again.

"Let's go," She starts for the door.

"Where to?"

"You're late for physical therapy and I'm not going to stand here and watch you destroy yourself and everyone around you." She grips his arm tightly, "you're going even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming."

He should have know better than to ask.

* * *

Leave a review if you so desire and stay tuned for the next chapter, coming...eventually.

Regards,

dark


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